Book Summary: Courage to be disliked
Courage to be disliked is a book on Adlerian philosophy i.e. the views of 19th century psychologist Alfred Adler. It’s presented in a traditional old-school philosophical dialogue between a youth and a philosopher. Adler is the less-popular a contemporary of Freud and Jung who differs from their theory of childhood traumas in fundamental ways. Most importantly, your past does not determine your present and it should have no bearing on your current mind. You can change at any time.
Our self is determined not by our experiences but by the meaning we give to them. The important thing is not what one is born with but what use one makes of that equipment.
When you’re trying to win or lose, it clouds your judgement to choose the right path. Lots of people live in made-up competitions.
You are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations. A lot of problems in life are inter personal relationship problems. Interpersonal problems are the source of unhappiness. Adlerian psychology is a psychology of courage.
You need to separate out your tasks from everyone else’s tasks. For example: it’s a parent’s task to want the happiness of a child and try to guide them. But it’s a child’s task to actual do that in whatever means they feel fit. If a child finds staying at home and just reading better than going outside and debating, taking part in competitions etc. then the parent should not impose their choices on the child.
Similarly, everyone might never want anyone rise to dislike them. But if someone does, then that’s their job, what they think our don’t think of you. This is the meaning of freedom.
The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness.
A lot of people think that the other person holds the cards in an interpersonal relationship. For interpersonal happiness, feeling of community interest is important.
Similarly other people are not living to satisfy your expectations and you are not the center of the universe.
You have to accept and live in the larger community of the universe. But at the same time, hold on to your freedom. Living in fear of one’s relationships falling apart is an unfree way of living.
Live a life of no praises nor rebukes. Praise or rebuke does not come from respect and love but from a person of more ability passing a judgement on a person of less ability. Instead of this, you follow horizontal relationships called encouragement. Judgement on the other hand comes under vertical relationships.
With regards to community getting, it is true that the community itself will not be supportive of you but Adler’s advice here is someone has to start. And you should follow your actions with no regards to what others are doing.
You cannot have a mix of vertical and horizontal relationships. If you’re building even one vertical relationship, before you know it all your relationships will be vertical.
Happiness is self acceptance rather than self affirmation. Realise what you can change and what you cannot and learn how to discern the two.
Confidence in others is absolutely essential. You might get taken advantage of sometimes, but the same applies to you. You cannot build a good relationship when you keep on doubting others. It is only when you lay unconditional trust in others that you build deep relationships.
In order to have the feeling of, “it’s okay to be here”, you have to have self acceptance and confidence in others so that you see them as comrades instead of competition.
Ultimately when ones interpersonal relationships are not going well, it cannot be blamed on anything (stammering, blushing, coughing, workaholic life and any other thing) other than lack of self acceptance or confidence in others out contribution to others.
You can always be happy and you can be happy right now. For humans the greatest unhappiness is not being able to like oneself.
A must-read for all, and I highly recommend reading the full book not a Blinkist summary.
